


As It Should Be

by Michevalier



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Genre: Day 6 - Lotus (Far from the one he loves), Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Respectfulship Hanakotoba 2019, Respectfulshipping, Revspec, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-06 00:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20282485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michevalier/pseuds/Michevalier
Summary: This was for the best.Or at least Ryoken tried really hard to convince himself so.





	As It Should Be

**Author's Note:**

> Day 6 of Respectfulship Hanakotoba!
> 
> Uhuuu... I made myself so sad writing this :'(

_This was for the best_.

Or at least Ryoken tried really hard to convince himself so.

_As it should be_.

He had been washing dishes for almost half an hour before he finally turned off the water. Suddenly, it became quiet. So quiet that young Kogami could not hear even his own heartbeat. Well... what else could he do to distract himself?

That letter kept waiting to be read on the dining table, and Ryoken knew it was foolish to keep playing "If I can't see you, you can't see me either" game with some goddamn piece of paper. And yet he was hesitant to pick up and open the envelope... something so stupid and uncharacteristic for the Knight of Hanoi's leader, even if currently a former one already.

Ryoken threw a quick glance at a calendar on the nearest wall.

It's been almost a year since the Knights of Hanoi ceased to exist. They disbanded after the entire nonsense about wars against AIs had completely lost its meaning. Young Kogami realized that he spent freaking _years_ chasing after something that wasn't his actual competence... in fact, if only he had been smarter and was willing to properly listen to the other side of this conflict, many unneeded sacrifices could have been avoided.

Moreso... Ryoken discovered that none of that stuff mattered now that _he_ wasn't around anymore. 

"_Let me go, Ryoken-sama._"

That was what _he_ told him after everything was over. Just like that, no anger, no disappointment, no tears in those clear light blue eyes.

_And that made Ryoken hate himself even worse_.

There were times when young Kogami suspected that eventually everything would come to an end... regardless of what _he_ used to say. Ryoken knew that even the strongest bonds could strain, years of inseparability might become nothing but memories one day... but still, somewhere deep inside he hoped it wasn't about them.

It could be said about anyone else but not about them. Ryoken thought, no, _believed_, that they were meant to be. Ryoken was the sun, _he_ was his sunflower. Ryoken was the moon, _he_ was his dark side. Ryoken was the star, _he_ was a hopeless dreamer craving to possess his lovely shine. Ryoken was the sea that _he_ wouldn't have mind to drown in... and, maybe, that was the reason why everything was over.

Ryoken closed his eyes, diving into the most painful domain of his heart. Self-reaproch kept throbbing in there daily and nightly, nightly and daily, not letting his mind rest and eating him inside. And young Kogami had a hard time adjusting to the nagging echo of regrets within his very being.

Sure, he could have used his genetics, his upbringing, his lack of proper social skills and natural cool-headedness as an excuse... but that was only that. _An excuse_.

Nothing could excuse the way he had treated _him_. 

_His_ exceptional affection and loyalty was something that could rarely be encountered in this indifferent, rotten world. Of course, in many people's eyes _he_ was an outcast, a weirdo, a freak if not an outright monster... but Ryoken couldn't care less about everyone's meaningless talk.

Nothing else mattered, only Ryoken's own failure.

If only he had been more caring towards _his_ life. If only he talked to _him_ more often. If only he opened up his heart to _him_ more. If only he kept less secrets from _him_. If only he didn't abuse _his_ devotion so badly. If only he didn't use _him_ as a piece of cannon meat.

If only Ryoken didn't let _him_... _die _three times for his sake.

That was something that should not have been played with so carelessly. Back then Ryoken little did realize that it could have ended worse. That _he_ could not have returned to life, that death could have easily accepted _him_ into its everlasting embrace. And even if _he_ had escaped its clutches... were there any guarantees that there would have been no other harmful consequences? Like _him_ being stuck forever in a state of living death, trapped between reality and virtuality?

Ryoken sincerely thanked all possible gods and spirits that none of the scenarios happened to occur, but in the very end he still felt a huge burden on his heart for toying, even if unwillingly, with _his_ life and well-being.

It was weird and awkward to realize how much they had been through, in what kind of pitch black abysses they used to dive into... and it was horrifying to think that there were times when Ryoken blatantly failed to hold _his_ hand tight enough. Back then, Ryoken built around himself some sort of a cursed barrier that hardly let anyone touch his thoughts and heart.

_A huge mistake_.

And, obviously, not many could endure such attidute for too long... not even _he_.

_Ryoken pushed him away with his own hands_.

It's been almost a year since the two of them had parted their ways. They decided that it would be better if they didn't communicate for awhile. Yes, that was meant to be their first step. They should concentrate on their new lives... learn how to live without each other. Without hearing each other's voice, without eating together, going out together, saying good night every evening and good morning every time they woke up in one bed.

_It was tormenting_.

Ryoken never expected that without having _him_ by his side he would feel so lost.

Days seemed dull and grey. Nights became cold and lonely.

There were times when Ryoken didn't even want to get up from his bed. What for? He had no problems with making himself breakfast, cleaning his own simple and cramped apartment, washing and ironing his clothes, buying groceries... and yet all of it felt like it was sucking out his very life force.

_Empty. So empty_.

As if ever since _he_ left, a bleeding hole emerged where Ryoken's heart was.

_Lonely. So lonely_.

No, Ryoken couldn't take it anymore.

He swiftly grabbed the letter, tore up the envelope and took out... a single photograph.

"Spectre..." Ryoken barely managed a weak whisper.

A single white flower of lotus, so lovely in its purity, greedily drank sunlight in the middle of a sparkling lake.

"_I miss you_," was written on the back of the picture in beautiful, graceful handwriting. 

Only three words.

Just like another three words that young Kogami had failed to tell Spectre before he decided to find his own path in life.

Ryoken immediately grabbed a pen. Aiming it right under Spectre's words...

"_I love you._"

...he wrote and stained the paper with a treacherous teardrop.

Ryoken couldn't remember the last time he used non-electronic mail... but this time he was sure to refresh his memory.


End file.
